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How to go about approaching Phil with this situation
My name is Jennifer. I am a twenty-year-old Real Estate processor in Maryland. I feel awful to have to approach you with this situation as so many people are looking for love in the world but cannot find it. The dilemma that I am facing is that I found a great love from someone, but I didn't realize that it was what I wanted until I had already lost it.
This past August was the end of my three year relationship with my high school sweetheart, who had grown to be a very selfish and inconsiderate you know what. It was very hard to leave him, but as I got older I realized that he would never treat me the way that I wanted to be treated, with love and respect. And being single brought me to the realization that I am a person who has a good heart and is worth something. Before long I was out and about, casually dating (but definitely nothing serious) and beginning to love the single life.
For my twentieth birthday, my best friend threw me a party at my house. She invited lots of people, some that I knew and some that I didn't. As I was enjoying the festivities, a guy I had never met before came up to me and wished me a happy birthday. His name was Phil. We got to talking and from the time I met him he stayed with me the whole night. We found out that we had a lot of mutual friends which was cool. When my other guests had left, Phil offered to take me out for breakfast as it was 6:30am (please keep in mind that we are 20J). So we went to eat and Phil dropped me home and tried to give me $20.00 for my birthday present. Being that I hardly knew him and that he had just bought me breakfast, I didn't accept the twenty dollars. We exchanged phone numbers and I went to bed.
For the next two months, Phil and I hung out and got to know each other. Phil is such a very nice guy. He is so respectful, being a gentleman at all times. He took me out wherever I wanted, he called to wish me good night each day, and he even came to bring me soup and let me borrow his DVD player so that I could watch movies when I was home from work sick once. I knew that if I ever needed something, Phil would be the first person to get it for me. But to me my friendship to Phil was just that, a friendship. I didn't really have any kind of relationship feelings at all toward Phil, and to this day we have never even kissed. Every one of our mutual friends knew how much Phil liked me and they were always asking me why I wouldn't be with him. He continued to try and try to get me to like him in that way, but I just didn't. So eventually he gave up on the possibility of a relationship with me and started to date other girls, and I actually started to date his roommate, James but not seriously. Throughout all of this, we have remained good friends.
Then one day it happened. I was hanging out with James at his and Phil's place, and Phil called to say he was coming home soon to hang out with us. I was cool with that as Phil and I have continued to be friends, but I was in no way expecting my reaction to what would happen next. Phil came in and following behind him was Lindsey, a cute, sweet girl, about my age. She and Phil were getting along great. She was really friendly and down to earth, starting conversations with me and being very cordial. There was only one problem, from the moment that Lindsey walked in the door, all that I could think about was Phil. I felt so miserable being in the room with Phil and not being the person he was with. And I suddenly had remembered all of the sweet things Phil had done for me and how much he liked me. It was actually unbearable! I promptly left the house so that I could go home to be alone and feel sorry for myself. I figured that I was just being the typical girl that wants everything that she can't have and that my feelings of jealously would fade with a few days. I found out from mutual friends that Phil and Lindsey aren't seriously dating, but it didn't make me feel a whole lot better. That was a month ago today, and my suddenly intense feelings have not subsided in the least. They have only gotten stronger. I even stopped seeing James. After the night that I first met Lindsey, I realized that I didn't want to be with James, I wanted Phil. And it wouldn't be fair to James to be with him but to want Phil.
So now we come to the end of my sad story. I haven't confronted Phil about the situation because I'm not sure how to. In some ways I feel like if he liked me so much before, then he still will, but in other ways I feel like I have missed my chance with happiness. Phil really liked me and wanted to be with me, but at the time that he liked me I was newly single and just wasn't in relationship mode. And now I think about him all the time. I am afraid to confront Phil about the situation because if he doesn't like me, I don't him to be awkward around me and I don't want to lose his friendship. But if I don't do something I will go crazy. My question to you is how to go about approaching Phil with this situation. And do you think there is still a chance for us? Please help I need your advice!!
Jennifer,
Baltimore,Maryland
Dear Jennifer;
Stop beating yourself up for not taking advantage of the opportunity. If you weren't ready, you weren't ready. If you thought he was just a friend and it took seeing him with someone else to make you see the error of your ways, so be it.
You're going to have to risk something. Either you risk losing the romantic chance because you don't want to mess up the friendship, or you risk the friendship because you can't pass up the chance of getting him back.
Now, I can't let it pass that you did indeed want Phil only after seeing him with someone else, so you will have to make sure you aren't being jealous and possessive and will drop him should he return to you.
Once you're as sure of that as you can be, you'll have to talk to him and confess the truth: You put him off before, but you've had a change of mind and heart after seeing someone else in the place you think should be yours. You would like him to consider the possibility of dating you and if there's a chance of doing so, you would appreciate him telling you so. If not, you would understand if he didn't hang around you because you don't want him to feel awkward but you would like to retain his friendship. Then let it be. Give him some time, if he needs it, and let him come back to you with his response. Should he decide to give you another shot, great! If not give yourself credit for trying!
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