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Online Dating for People with DisabilitiesBy DrDating
Dating, whether in "real life" or online, can be a challenge for everyone. How can you best represent yourself to a future boyfriend or girlfriend? How can you make yourself stand out? And how do you know that the people on the other end are being truthful in their representations of themselves? Online dating can be even more challenging for people with disabilities. We unfortunately live in a world where there is still something of a stigma surrounding the disabled. Many people are not open to pursuing a relationship with a disabled person, often because they feel as though they lack the ability to properly help a person with a disability, either physically or emotionally, or to understand a disabled person's condition and their unique situation. This article has been formulated to help the disabled and their caretakers utilize one of today's most popular dating tools - the internet. Whether you frequent a disabled-oriented dating site or one of the many mainstream sites available, there are tools online to help you make lifelong friends and find romantic partners. General tips for online dating Regardless of who you are, it is important for you to maintain your safety and security when using online dating sites and other venues. Online dating is, in many ways, very similar to dating in the real world - you should always trust your instincts. Use websites and venues that are well-established, with a sizeable user base and philosophy that matches your own. The following tips will help you further protect yourself as you enter the world of online dating. 1. Maintain anonymity. While online dating does not lend itself to 100% anonymity, there are many ways to represent yourself while keeping important identifying information confidential. Never use your full name online, and don't list your address or phone number. It is a good idea to not include any detailed location information in your profile or correspondence with potential dates, including information on where you work. You should cease contact with anyone that presses you for this information. 2. Contact. If the website offers an internal messaging service, using this service is preferable over using your personal email address. 3. Pictures. The "content" of your photo says a lot about you. Choose a photo that you feel reflects positively and accurately on you. Avoid using any photos that include identifying information. 4. Be realistic. When reading the profiles of potential dates online, always maintain a sense of skepticism. It is easy for someone to exaggerate or omit information from their profile. When corresponding with potential dates, you should ask questions and try to note any inconsistencies between the responses a potential date may give and their profile. 5. Reputation. Though this may not be possible on all online dating sites, check to see if potential dates have good reputations on the dating service. 6. You come first. If anyone that you interact with online makes you uncomfortable or becomes abusive, report it, block them, and cease contact 7. Safe environment. In the event that you decide to meet someone, arrange for it to happen in a safe environment. You should always meet in a public place with other people in the vicinity. Be sure to let someone know where you are going - depending on your personal situation, you may even want to bring along a friend or caretaker. 8. Don't get scammed. On every dating service, there are always a few "bad apples" that will attempt to take advantage of the service (and its users) for personal gain. If someone you meet on one of these sites presses you for financial information or some manner of financial support, you should absolutely refuse, regardless of sad their hard luck story is (1). Dating sites and venues The beauty of the Internet is that there is something for everyone. The world of online dating has seemingly expanded exponentially, making dating easier for everyone - including people with disabilities. People with disabilities have two options, depending on personal preference - you can choose to utilize a "traditional" online dating service, or you can use one of the many dating services that have been developed for people with disabilities. It is important to be mindful of what "traditional" dating sites claim to offer disabled users. Though they may add disability categories in order to make their services seem inclusive, but these "categories" often exist in order to improve search engine rankings and ultimately offer little for disabled users. Sites for people with disabilities: A common complaint among disabled people has been that it is challenging to meet people through conventional dating websites when you have a disability. The primary problem with conventional sites is that the other party generally does not know you are disabled until you disclose it to them; for whatever reason, disclosing your disability may cause the interest of the other party to be lost. Dating is hard enough; you shouldn't have to suffer through the agony of wondering when to disclose your disability and if the other person will no longer be interested. Disabled dating sites are designed to cater to your needs. Each site varies in theme, content and mission, but they all exist to help facilitate connections between disabled singles. The following sites are some of the more prominent online services for people with disabilities; depending on your location, you may prefer to find a more localized site. DateDisabled.com - DateDisabled matches you with over five million unique members using hundreds of criteria. Registration is free, and the site rate boasts a high success rate - 92% of couples are still together after five years. DateDisabled's unique matchmaking engine does the work for you, enabling you to search thousands of potential matches in order to find your soul mate. Matches are made based on everything from sexual compatibility to interests and even zodiac sign (2). Dating4Disabled.com - Dating4Disabled is a free online dating service and online community for people with disabilities. On Dating4Disabled, "friendship and romance are only a click away." Search thousands of disabled singles and chat one-on-one, or participate in a community discussion on the site's forums, which provide resources and support for the disabled community. Topics include everything from disabled parenting to nutrition for the disabled, and you can even find events for the disabled in your area. While Dating4Disabled is primarily a dating service, it is a great online destination for people looking for friendship and a comfortable online community (3). DisabledPassions.com - DisabledPassions is a 100% free online dating service and social networking site with your needs in mind. Search for others that share your disability, and find support, friendship and romance all in one place. DisabledPassions offers free access to a wide variety of built-in features, from photo personals, email, forums, blog, and audio chat, to text chat, video chat, disabled groups, "Who Viewed Me," and more. DisabledPassions is a great choice for forging new relationships and so much more - the site also features a wide variety of resources for people living with disabilities, as well as access to online support groups and tips for finding a support group near you (4). EnableLove.com - EnableLove is an online dating service "where people with life challenges enable their love." EnableLove was created in order to provide an effective way for people with various disabilities to create romantic and loving connections online, with the potential for those new relationships to turn into something more. EnableLove caters to over 100 specific disabilities, from asthma, obesity and burn victims to MS, ADD, and muscular dystrophy. Browse thousands of registered men and women in various geographic areas, all from the safety and security of your home (5). Lovebyrd.com - Billed as "a community for disabled singles," Lovebyrd's goal is "to provide a first-class dating service and social networking website to individuals living with a condition that makes it difficult to meet and connect with other people." The site exists to connect disabled and non-disabled users alike, and whether you're looking for online companionship, a date, a long-term relationship, or even just new friends, Lovebyrd has something to offer you. Lovebyrd enables you to search by disability type or other traits, and the site has a number of different forums for open discussions on everything from cooking to sexuality. Whispers4u.com - Whispers4u is a free online dating service serving members from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, and Europe. The site offers many state-of-the-art features, including instant private chat, audio uploads, webcam chatting, virtual gifts, "flirts," and emails, all of which can be personalized with your preferences while keeping ease of use in mind. Whispers4u provides free dating services, with the option to pay a small fee in order to use premium features. Whether you are interested in serious dating, making new friends, or seeking support online for living with a disability, Whispers4u offers a free, secure community (6). Conventional dating sites Depending on the nature of your disability, you may not want to rule out conventional dating sites. While there can be drawbacks to using more mainstream dating services as a disabled person, there can also be significant advantage. Mainstream services tend to have extremely large user bases, which means that you have access to a much larger selection of potential friends and romantic partners, both online and nearby in your geographic area. Because they are well established and have such large user bases, these sites are generally also quite secure, with mechanisms in place for you to maintain your own privacy and safety. When to disclose your disability Though using online dating sites specifically for disabled people can make it much easier to disclose your disability, you may want to use alternative avenues of meeting new friends and potential romantic partners. In the beginning, you will probably initiate a new relationship online, which gives you the ability to control whether or not you inform the person you are corresponding with of your disability. If your disability is less severe or does not affect your physical appearance or day-to-day life in a significant fashion, you may be comfortable disclosing it early on in the relationship. For others, disclosing a disability can be a source of stress, anxiety and discomfort. You want to be honest with new contacts, but when is the best time to disclose your disability? The reality is that there is no perfect solution or "right" way to tell a new acquaintance about your disability. The primary thing to remember is to trust your instincts, as you would when it comes to meeting new people through online dating. All online daters withhold some information from potential partners and new acquaintances - we all have information that we only want to share with people that we trust and with whom we have established a solid relationship. However, it is highly inadvisable to wait for an in-person meeting to disclose an obvious disability. This is unfair to the other party, putting them in an awkward (and potentially embarrassing) situation. If and when you decide to disclose a disability with a romantic interest or new friend, it is important to remember not to dwell on limitations that may be caused by your disability. Try to focus as much as possible on your capabilities and accomplishments. If your disability is physical in nature, like a missing limb or degree of paralysis, talking about your disability openly and comfortably can help put the other person at ease. Most people will not openly ask questions about your disability, but they will usually wonder about it privately. Encourage them to learn the facts, rather than forming their own opinions in private, by talking with them candidly about your condition in order to avoid leaving them with the wrong impression. It is very normal to have feelings of uncertainty or nervousness about disclosing a disability. Here are some important things to remember about disclosing your disability to others: 1. Be selective. The choice to let another person know about your disability is yours and yours alone. You dont have to tell anyone about it if you are not comfortable doing so. 2. The five "Ws" of disclosure. Who, what, when, where, and why. Who do you need to tell? What do you want to tell them about your disability, and what are your expectations from the person to whom you are disclosing your status to? When should you tell them? Where is the best place to have this conversation? Why are you telling them? 3. Take your time. You shouldnt feel pressure to disclose your disability early in the relationship. Take your time to consider who to tell and how to tell them, and only tell them when YOU are ready. Keep in mind that indiscriminately informing people of your disability may affect your life in ways that you may not have considered. 4. Have purpose. The stress of having a disability that you haven't yet disclosed can be great, but consider your motivations for telling a person about it. Is there a real purpose behind it, or are you feeling anxious and like you need to "dump" your feelings? 5. Never be apologetic. You should never feel like you have to apologize for your disability. Your disability doesnt make you any less caring, loving, attractive, or talented, and for other people to believe that, you have to believe it first. 6. Keep it simple. Dont feel as though you need to tell your entire life story. Disclose any details that you feel will help the other person better understand your status, but dont feel like you need to share any details that you are not comfortable disclosing. 7. Stay positive. Even when we think we know someone, disclosing intimate personal details like a disability can generate a response that we werent expecting. It is important to remember that no matter how the other person responds, you will survive and your life will go on. You may feel alone, but many other people have coped with the stress of disclosing a disability and have gotten through it you will, too (7). Online Dating Magazine has put together a great list of possible disclosure times/scenarios and the pros and cons of each, along with potential outcomes. This can be a good tool for conducting your own cost-benefit analysis, depending on your unique situation. Access the list here: http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/columns/drjim/30-disability.html Assessing your needs As a disabled dater, you have many unique needs, both emotional and physical. To make the most out of your online (or any other) dating experience, you have to first be realistic with yourself and accept your needs. If you cant be honest with yourself about your needs, it will be challenging for you to be open and honest with new acquaintances and potential romantic partners. For many daters, disabled or not, perceptions of sex can make new relationships challenging. Past rejections may make the idea of a sexual relationship with a potential partner seem daunting. Although it seems counterintuitive, new relationships can help you overcome these fears. If you associate with the same circle of friends, particularly one that may include people by whom you have been rejected in the past, it can be more challenging to have your sexual needs met because you are essentially off the radar. Be up front with yourself about your sexual expectations in a relationship, and carry this behavior over into your new relationships. Meeting new people helps reduce the stigma of past rejections, and being upfront about who you are and what you expect from a relationship will save you time and heartache in the long run. Depending on your disability, it may also be helpful for you (and for potential partners) to identify your expectations of the other person beyond a "traditional" relationship. For example, many disabilities require at least some degree of assistance, whether that is just help getting around town to run errands or more significant help in the form of a caretaker. These responsibilities can be a lot for a normal person to take on. Before beginning a new relationship, consider the degree to which you expect your partner to assist you, and how that may change in the future as the relationship progresses. Is there an expectation that a future partner will take on something of a caretaker role, either now or later in life? This is not necessarily a topic that should be brought up while the relationship is just starting, but it is something that you should be mindful of and something you will need to discuss eventually if you plan to pursue a serious relationship. As with disclosing your disability, dont feel as though you need to focus on the things that may be challenging or impossible for you. Focusing on the positive will make the discussion easier for you, as well as your potential partner (8). References 1)Socializing Online. Washington State Attorney General. 2008. http://www.atg.wa.gov/InternetSafety/SocializingOnline.aspx#Dating 2) http://www.datedisabled.singlescrowd.com/ 3) http://www.dating4disabled.com/ 4) http://www.disabledpassions.com/ 5) http://www.enablelove.com/ 6) http://www.whispers4u.com/ 7) James Houran. "Online Dating: Revealing a Disability." Online Dating Magazine. 2010. http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/columns/drjim/30-disability.html 8) Emily Dubberly. "Dating and Disabilities." 2010. http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/havingsex/sexanddisability/datinganddisabilities
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